emptiness

helped my mum with cny cookies.
read novels.
searched, downloaded, watched movies.
fb-ing sometimes.
out of order most of the time.
at home all the time.
don't wanna bug myself with 'thoughts' yet. i'm sick of it for now.
decisions decisions decisions. arrgghhh.

i know. i know. i've been blogging about stuff that's been really annoying. cant help it. i gotta let it go, or else i might go crazy. actually, i think i'm on my way there already.

i hate it when nobody understands me.
and i hate it most when you think you understand me better than myself.
you speak about me as if you live in me.
sometimes i prefer to keep my problems to myself. so just leave me alone.

i wonder how others feel when they get really really mad at someone.

all of us feel angry, at least occasionally. most of the time when we get angry, we get over it quickly because, somehow, we resolve the situation and our feelings of anger pass. agree?

but when u get really really mad at that someone, what do u do?
>1. hit other people?
>2. shout at or hurt that person's feelings?
>3. break things?
>4. keep quiet and refuse to talk to anyone?
>5. hurt yourself?

the last time i got seriously upset with someone was way back in 2004. (i think) i don't really remember what the reason was, but it was rather bad. i remember myself shaking so badly when i yelled at her, in front of everyone. but at the same time, another person in me wished i didn't have to do this at all. it hurts both party, to be in a fight. it really does. and the last thing i remember, i walked out of the classroom and never talked to her again.

Until one day, in class, she passed a small note to me saying, "jenn, are you still angry at me? sorry." my heart crushed at the moment i saw that message. i don't know why i'd felt that way. but then i realised i have been hurting her too and she still do care about my feelings. argh..i felt so so so bad. i hate to hurt people's feelings. i felt so guilty that without much thinking, i immediately scribbled a reply to her saying, "huh, why would i be angry at you?" (as if nothing has ever happened) and we reconciled and became friends again and stayed happy ever since.

i laugh at this memory now.
anyway, the person i was is more or less the person i am now. i don't think i have changed much.
just that i have millions of second thoughts before firing at someone, cause i really really hate hurting people.

aaah. but there is one i never regret doing. it wasnt about hurting anyone. it was something i felt i need and must do. so that i could face myself in the future. it happened in 09. i don't know where i got the courage from. but i feel the need, the responsibility to say something, to stand up for myself and my friends. and i did it. i was shaking, again. far worse than the one i had in 04. but it felt good. so good that i fired everything i want to say in one breath, in front of a hundred students or so. and i am glad i did it. of course, a lot of disagreement came right after. but, to my surprise, sir backed me up, along with some other friends. and i was so glad he did because i can already feel the tears building up in my eyes. they were tears of anger. but i felt good.