To the author of this blog --

First of all, thank you, Jenn, for being honest with me and to share your feelings. I appreciate it to know, because I know most of the time, among us, there’s never an opportunity to really talk.

As you wrote, yes, it might be difficult for me to share as much as you did, or even to share. Probably you’d also understand how it feels to not share, maybe we stand on the same page when it comes to sharing troubled times. I don’t know about you, but for me, whenever I am at my most difficult, I seek laughter to lighten up, rather than following by “a problem shared a problem halved”.

I have left to this foreign land for +/- 7 years, maybe you, and the rest might feel that I have not stop whining about homesickness. It may come as a little annoying, but truth be told, from day 1 to this very day, it was never anybody’s responsibility to make me feel at home – it does all fall back on me and what I choose to feel and do about my life in a foreign land. That being said, I have my greatest friends -- you all, because you all are my remedy to sanity, my savior. What you (all), do or don’t do, I have no expectations, therefore, you (all) will never do anything to help that is damaging.

Unhappy, yes. Missing home, always. Surely life does not wait, I could not agree with you more, and I think I have at some point, come to terms with reality that I am. Here. One thing I am confused about is, where did you get the idea of your help seem to be wrong everytime. Your help and your friendship and our friendship have always been right, one of the few things that is right in my life.

There is no excuse for my actions sometimes. I regret them but sometimes my regretful actions seem so right for me. I disappear you say, but believe me, it was hard to exist. It may sound pathetic to you that I fail to be a strong person, but being a strong person all the time is not an easy task. I speak of feelings maybe you do not quite understand because we have never worn each others’ shoes, therefore you feel how you feel, and I do what I do. Deactivating my Facebook was probably my most drastic act to disconnect but it gave me certain kind of calm; never actually anyone’s fault – I miss you all so much when I did because I know what I will miss will never wait for me, but then again, what will not wait for me I will not be there for it anyway.

When I had to think of what to fill in the blank, I had absolutely no idea. I had to Google, ask Bing, WikiAnswers still I didn’t know. So I turned to the one person that might possibly know and I got the whole story, as accurate as we think it is. And oh my gah, I have never been that mistaken and misunderstood before. I am plenty krazy, but I will never succumb to negative peer pressure. I believe in experiences but never in anything detrimental, or anything that people close to me will not be proud of. If one day I ever do, I have fallen off the edge.

Keeping in touch is like an endless marathon, once you stop running, you lose the rhythm. And in this run, I’ve stopped many times, but I am forever grateful that no matter, we are always like how we always are, never letting our out of touch affect how we love and care for each other. I know you and every SCBs are my bestest of friends hence I have the confidence to stop running and know that nothing in between us will ever change. On my part, I know you all have each other…

Life is filled with battles, some people have it easier, some have it hard. Unfortunately, sometimes people closest to you are the ones that are causing these battles and there’s nothing that anyone can do to fight these battles for you but yourself. 

I always wonder if I am the lucky or unlucky one?

Sincerely,

Your guest blogger

Untitled.

Sometimes I don't know if I should acknowledge or to avoid because to relate with a fragile and emotional and really crazy person like you takes a lot of patience, understanding, courage and determination.

I don't know what approach I should take in order for you to feel like home in a foreign country cause there is NO way you could feel like home. I don't know how I could help and knowing that every step I take would have it's own result - more likely to be damaging than constructive - I did not want to risk going out there and help and allow life break you more. But the fact that no matter how much I can think to do or do, I know I can't help much because the main thing of it all goes back to you.

I know you are sometimes unhappy and without a doubt miss home every single day but life goes on. Life goes on. Life wont wait. I don't know what can I do to help cause everything seems wrong every time.

The fact that you took up ___, I don't know if you know how much it affected me, but it did. I know that you are submitting into peer pressure and stress and homesickness and everything else so I am not in a position to say anything. Maybe I am not in a position to even give a slightest care toward what you are doing with your life because perhaps I have not made enough effort or I have not been keeping in touch much. I may not be there when you needed someone to talk to or rant with. And this was because I don't know how.

Sometimes you stayed as far as you could, sometimes you disappeared and never replied any messages.

That conversation we had at my place about your plans and future dreams; I feel really glad and happy and excited that there are so many possibilities that you are looking into and are already preparing for it. With all the things you talked about, believe me or not at that moment I could see very well these images after images of what you'd be doing with your life forming in front of me as you spoke about them. I know you'd do just fine in whatever you put your heart into, just like how you are always giving fresh and creative and crazy and impossible but! always.made.possible.ideas for every teachers' day event we had back in convent (and any other events). Not because you planned your life well or whatever ("cannot wait to die", yeah, very well-planned) but because you are still you, the one we all know and loved and you are still you till this very day. Some things may have changed, but I hope that we all, you, me and the rest of the siaochabos will still stick to our roots and remember the girls we used to be in convent and the ladies we have all grown up to be.

This time around, many memories were brought back and although not much time could be spent together, we all tried our best and had the best of our time, yet again. Many times it felt like we're living in the moments again, and they felt really great. I recalled again many memories and they all never fail to remind me of how we all got together, how we are all molded and grown, together and apart to become the person we all are today. And I am thankful and grateful that every time we meet, we still talk like how we used to. We are all still the same person we are deep down at the core.

Know that I would always be there in whatever choices you make because I trust you my friend and we may not be able to talk n share this much like what I am doing right now in my office suddenly jz out of random to decide to pour it all out. These thoughts and feelings has already been in my head and mind for so long, but I could not put them into proper words because I guess the right time has not come. And today was a realisation I guess. To put in my time to write this to you, hopefully to stapler this into your book of siaochabos later (like u said), which I hope I can get from khaili soon enough...

Until then.

Technology, let's make full use of it.

Now I need to get back to work before my boss catch me doing this. Haha. Bye.

All the suffering is in the thoughts.