S H I T H A P P E N S .

My definition of itch has changed tremendously over a very short time period.

Just 3 weeks back, a normal mosquito bite, would make me scratch already.
3 weeks later, give me a hundred mosquito bites, I can tell you I dont feel anything.

Cuz what I am experiencing now is far worst than that. I'd prolly develop some sort of immunity against normal itch already. The type of itch I am having right now is beyond explicable.

I am getting them 24/7, over the past 3 weeks. I can't sleep well. I often wake up to find myself struggling to prevent myself from scratching. But sometimes. I.CANT.STOP.MYSELF.

***

What i say may, or may not reflect what i feel.

You know the feeling when you wake up, feeling all drowsy for that good initial 3mins? That's the best time to quickly get yourself back to sleep. You miss that first 3mins, then you become like the night owl. Your eyes dont seem to want to close anymore.

Then you spend another few minutes to an hour or so, thinking... about a lot of things. Wondering... why shit happens? for no reason? or just observing your surrounding, and then you get so frustrated about yourself when you see your sister sleeping so well beside you. And there you are struggling to go back to sleep again, with your itch, at 4am in the morning. Repeating the whole process all over again.

Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle(x 100?)-Sleep.

How frustrating is that??

And it is even more frustrating when you finally reach the last stage, when it feels like winning a million dollar lottery, to find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, having to repeat the whole freaking process all over again!

Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle(x 100?)-Sleep.
Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle(x 100?)-Sleep.
Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle(x 100?)-Sleep.
Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle(x 100?)-Sleep.

.
.
.
.
.

Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle-Scratch-Struggle(x 100?)-Sleep.

I need sleeping pills.

Ok, now that being said. Sometimes, I find myself wondering(prolly during one of those banguntengahmalam 4am period) about people who think they know everything.

For example, when I say, "I am O.K."

Does that really tell you that I am ok? Have you ever wondered otherwise?

You think you understood everything about me.

Really?

"A little bit la.." "No, not pain anymore."

And people tend to generalize these and make general mental conclusions that will stick there in their heads.

How do you know that I am telling the truth?

Some times, things are better left unsaid than said. Cuz when you say them out there, it become exposed to vulnerability.

And some times, it is tough to act strong. But what options do you have? When you have been this way for your life?

A lot of people judge things based on what they know, what is being told to them. And they jump into conclusion without making any further analysis or evaluation of a situation. People take short cuts. Who dont like short cuts anyway? So I'm not saying that this is something wrong, o bad. We are all humans. And it is only normal that we are doing all these things. But sometimes people can be so carried away in their own world, they tend to miss out on important clues, other vitals pieces of puzzles that will certainly assist them in coming out with a conclusion that makes more sense in real, real life situations.

***

For those of you who are still wondering out there, I have seen 2 doctors, a GP and a skin specialist, twice respectively, but both cant tell what's wrong with me. I have just seen another doctor in Ipoh yesterday; a skin specialist as well. Um, he seemed to know what he is doing. So, keep my fingers crossed. I'm currently on medication. I'm on sick leave till the 31st. Been missing my Finals, maybe Mid-terms as well as my classes. Well, I just want to get better. Leave the rest to be worried about when I recover. If I recover.


And thank you all for your encouraging messages on Facebook. I got all of them. And am happy that I have so many people who cared about me. :)

I do the only thing I know how.

The hotline was right in front of my eyes. I actually dont have to take up such a long time thinking. But it's Jennifer you're talking bout, nothing i will do without giving at least a few years of thought into it. Haha. Just kidding. But yea, that's me.

You cant ignore all the danger signals being sent out from your brain. They're natural reflexes. All the "what ifs" start coming into your head. What if I'm asked to go all the way to the office to make a report personally? What if they want all my details? What if the driver found out it was I who made the report? What if I have to go through all the trouble just to voice my dissatisfaction? I only want to voice my discomfort, and action to be taken against the driver. That's all. Nothing else. I dont want to deal with anymore trouble. What if... and the thinking goes on and on and on.

I have encountered a few times where people just dont seem to be bothered about my opinion. I think i was denied too many times, that i am conditioned to just accept it. I gave up trying to stand up for myself... Nothing I say matter anyway.. Alamak, terpesong. Ok, back to my point.

And then I decided. The hotline is there for a reason.
So I made the decision to try. I sent a text message which read like this (having the least hope for any action to be taken):

"Saya penumpang bas K********* dari Simpang-Kuala Lumpur, pukul 3.10pm, tarikh 2 Oktober 2011. Sy ingin buat aduan tentang pemandu bas India yang merokok semasa pandu bas (sehingga mesej ini dihantar, driver telah merokok sebanyak 3 kali). Papan tanda "Dilarang Merokok" jelas tertera di hadapan bas, tetapi pemandu bas masih berkelakuan demikian. Pemandu juga memotong kenderaan lain dengan merbahaya dari bahagian kiri bahu jalan. Diharap pihak berkuasa mengambil tindakan tegas supaya keadaan ini tidak berterusan."
*Sent*



Just a few minutes after that, there's a message coming in. Thought it would be one of my friends, tengok tengok, I got a reply from the hotline:

"Aduan diterima..driver tersebut akan dikenakan tindakan..tq."

And right after that, the driver (who've just ended a very long call with someone) received another call. From the tone of his voice, I can be 120% sure that it was from the person whom I complained to.

Sure enough, he stopped smoking in the bus after that. As we are approaching the Duta toll, one aunty came and asked the driver to stop right after the toll as her son is waiting. The driver said no but the aunty didnt give up. She kept asking and the driver very rudely responded, "TAKDA. TAK BOLEH TURUN SINI. NANTI ADA ORANG HANTAR SMS COMPLAIN. TADI SUDAH ADA ORANG COMPLAIN. U TAK PUAS HATI MAU COMPLAIN U PERGI COMPLAIN LA. NANTI KALAU KENA SAMAN 600RINGGIT TAU."

Now I feel bad for that lady. @.@ But I dont regret my decision.

Come on man. How stupid can a person be to smoke in an air-conditioned vehicle?? Such an idiot. Just imagine the suffocation my sister and I and the rest of the passengers had to go through that day.

The driver continued talking on the phone after that. His mood was affected so much that he lost his patience and honked at the bus in front as we were entering the Pudu bus terminal.

I hope he gets fired and never get a job for the rest of his life and the life after.







Just kidding! xP

Forgiveness

There are people in your life who've come and gone,
They let you down and hurt your pride,
Put it all behind you, as life goes on,
If you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you inside.

Trust is earned.

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I am tired of running not knowing where I'm going.

Maybe I should have just walked?

Sometimes, we get tired of trying.

Daily Questions You Need To Ask Yourself. =)

Questions:

1. What do I want to accomplish today?
2. What is the most important thing I need to do today? (Do it first!)
3. Is this the best use of my time right now?
4. What am I trying to accomplish right now?
5. What can I cross off my list by deleting or delegating? What is not important?
6. What can I do right now to take the next leap instead of the next step?
7. Who can I learn from today?
8. Who can I thank today?
9. What am I grateful for?
10. How can I eliminate distractions right now?
11. What are my top 3 current goals?
12. What is most important to me in life?
13. If the my world was going to end within one year, what would I be doing right now?
14. What will I do today towards my major goals?
15. What action can I take instead of worry right now?
16. Who should I thank today?
17. Who needs some love today?
18. How can I be a kinder person today?
19. How can I have more compassion today?
20. What can I do right now to release negative energy in a positive way?
21. What can I do to let go of my anger?
22. How can I put worry on hold right now?
23. How can I choose happiness right now?
24. What can I do to slow down today?
25. What am I learning right now?
26. What beneficial routines can I start today?
27. What will I do, see, explore, or experience today that is new?
28. How and with whom can I partner today to make 1+1=3?
29. How can I be more compassionate today?
30. What will I celebrate today?
31. Where did I find Joy today?
32. What did I learn today?
33. How will I “pay it forward” today?
34. How will I make today great? How do I define great?
35. What can I stop holding/clinging to help me break free?
36. How can I let go with peace?
37. Who can I help today?
38. How can I add Peace to the world today?
39. What’s the most powerful thing I can do right now, today to increase my business?
40. What have I been avoiding that I can do today?

That's quite a number of questions but it helps you to just pause, and ponder upon some things and reflect on your life. :)

Good exercise? I hope so.

Life, as we know it?

1. You aren't nearly as special as you think.
You may walk around like the heroine of your very own book, but you're no better than any of the minor characters. You know - those dull, ordinary, people you're forced to be surrounded by. Take a good look at them: that's you.
2. Humiliation is the fastest way of growing up.
You're not as wonderful as your mama told you, and the way to grow up is to realize that. Growing up, in other words, means making mistakes. Only it's not enough to make mistakes; you have to feel them. Those moments of excruciating shame when you really screw up - cherish them.
3. Your feelings are not necessarily right.
Feelings are always about something, and that 'something' is not itself a feeling. It's an idea, a perception of a situation. And because ideas can be wrong, the feelings that are based on them can also be wrong. SO, just relax a little bit.
4. Don't believe everything you think.
We do not come to things with open minds, we come with all the ideas or schemes we've already acquired, and we can't wait to project them onto everything we encounter. Instead of discovering the truth, we end up with a very elaborate theory that bears no relationship to what's actually going on in front of us.
5. Too much money makes you miserable.
Being able to get whatever you want makes you awfully unhappy when you can't get what you want. And if everything is easy, then nothing really matters. The only people who can feel are those who have a sense of what it means to do without.
6. Listening to people's stories is the nicest thing you can do for them.
A person's story is the most personal thing about them, and paying attention to it is just the most important thing you can do. Our stories are what make us human, and listening to someone else's stories - entering into their feelings validating their experiences - is the highest way of acknowledging their humanity.
7. Friends tell friends when they're screwing up.
The true friend wants you to be happy, but being happy and feeling good about yourself are not the same thing. Being happy means becoming a better person, and becoming a better person means having your mistakes pointed out to you in a way you can't ignore.
8. Love is never at first sight.
Lust at first sight, a whole train of fantasies and projections at first sight - sure.
But to love someone, you have to get to know their character, not just their body, and that takes time. True love sneaks up on you. You never see it coming until it's already there.
9. Arguing is the best thing about being married.
If your partner is already just like you, then neither one of you has anywhere to go. A friction-free relationship would be a desert. Conflict is good; disagreements are good, even fights are good. Committing yourself to someone doesn't have to limit your growth - it can be the door to perpetual or continuous growth.

Neverisms: 12 Things You Should Never Do, Never Say, and Never Forget.

Never dare to judge till you have heard of the other side.
Never dull your shine for somebody else.
Never ascribe to an opponent motives meaner than your own.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy.
Never feel self-pity, the greatest emotion there is.
Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.
Never let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.
Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.
Never depend on immersion in another person for your personal growth.
Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little but needs that little so much.
Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you have said it, cease.

You Haven't Seen The Last of Me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me